The Perks Of Being An Overthinker
Hello again, Everybody! I have recently found myself surprisingly inspired and creative - which leads me to point out the inspiration behind this post. Yesterday, Zoella posted an amazing post about her anxiety and, although I have so far been lucky enough to never have had to suffer from any kind of serious mental illness - it gave me the push I needed to finally write about my day-to-day struggles. I have planned on writing about it for quite a while but always found a reason why I could postpone it for another bit. I'm generally not a person that talks about feelings, I'm the one in the room that isn't crying when watching Titanic - doesn't mean I don't feel anything, though! To be completely honest with you, I do feel a sh*tload of things, all the time, I just seem to have trouble talking about it. Although I do (too) often either fear or fail to put my chaotic emotions in words, that's exactly what I'm here to do today.
As you have most likely guessed my the title, I'm writing about being an absolutely professional overthinker and worrier today. I don't know whether or not these are the right terms to describe what goes on in my mind, but due to the fact that I don't know much about mental diseases and anxiety, I don't dare taking any actual medical word in my mouth.
Most of you probably know it, the imagining of worst case scenarios, the overthinking of certain situations, telling yourself not to interpret too much into things but end up doing that exact thing - basically being insecure. Even now writing this, and actually whilst writing every blog post, there's this voice in the back of my head saying "what if someone from school is going to see this?" "what if people will start making fun of me for doing this?" and I have many, many times deleted paragraphs or written things down differently due to my fear of judgement. I think this is a struggle known by almost every teenager, and probably also adults - but only to a certain degree.
Growing up I was always the one in my family to do the dare, I was never shy or awkward, I was the one that had to go and ring the bell at our neighbours house and ask for something - and I did it without question. I'm not sure when things like that started becoming an actual problem, but I remember standing in front of my friend's house back in, probably like 5th grade, contemplating whether or not to ring the bell because I was very suddenly unsure of the date of our appointment - although I had half an hour earlier called her to make sure we had out meet-up planned on this day and not the next one. I also, still to this day, aren't able to buy something in a shop before counting my money through a hundred times before going to the cashier and actually paying for whatever I want to buy because hey, what a disastrous situation would it be if I didn't have enough money with me to pay for it? Writing these things down now makes them seem so goddamn ridiculous and I agree, they actually are and could, hypothetically, be overcome by plain rational thinking but as you probably know, it's not that easy in reality.
I never saw my shyness as a negative thing until about a year ago, I never had actual trouble making friends, it just takes me longer that others. I used to think that this was just me, that I just was this person that overthinks and that it would go was itself with time passing by - but hell no, I think we all know that's not going to happen! Habits don't just go away without anybody doing anything about them. The moment when I properly realised that I had to change something about my constant worrying and overthinking was when I perceived that I was making other people trouble with my behaviour. I started fights with my parents because my mum wanted me to go and pick up a delivery she had ordered in a shop and I said I couldn't do it - She naturally thought I was just too lazy when the actual problem was the fact that I knew how much stress I would put myself through when I had to go up to a shop assistant, talk to them and get my mum's delivery - things like that are the worst. I hate going to shops to pick something up, I actually should go and pick up the new glasses I had made for me right now, but I've been procrastinating it all week because I don't want to do it.
As I said, I never took my fears as a negative thing until a while ago. Being fifteen now, friends are a very important part of my life - I'm starting to get more independent, or may I say I'm supposed to...? I should be spending loads of time with my friends - but I don't even want to think about the amount of times I told people I couldn't go somewhere with them because of this or that, just so I didn't have to put myself through the stress of getting wherever said somewhere was and spending hours worrying about what it's going to be like. I want to be very clear with this, things like this are very easily misinterpreted, so I'm going to say at this point that it's not my friend's fault that I feel like this - I feel completely and perfectly comfortable as soon as I'm with them and I love being with them but the process I put myself through before getting there, on my way there and whilst 'preparing' to go somewhere is where the crap happens. My overthinking stops me from doing things and I miss out on ways too much things for not to change something.
The past few months have mainly been me trying to change something about this whole situation and I've even had a few moments of success and in comparison to what I was like about half a year ago, I've definitely improved a bit - but let me just tell you now: I still have a long way to go. One of my older sisters (soon to be 18 years old) had a little talk about these things with me during summer break - what is, due to the fact that me and my sisters sadly are everything but close, a very memorable moment to me - and told me a bit about how she conquered these kinds of problems when she was my age and, well, it helped a lot, so this is where I would like to thank her, although only the thought of her reading this makes me feel majorly uncomfortable.
As this post slowly but surely comes to an end, I would like to give a last little piece of advice (aka things I try to tell myself in situations when everything gets a bit too much that have succeeded in making me feel better) for everybody who somehow relates to this post (though I have to say that there's only very little advice I can give to you without feeling bad for not being able to follow it myself):
- I like to think back to similar situations that I have successfully mastered in some sort of way and come out completely fine.
- I tell myself that it's okay to feel the way I feel and that there's no solution in pressuring myself into doing things I truly don't feel comfortable with
- I write down how I feel in one single sentence, then look at it and ask myself what the exact problem is and then try to find a rational solution
I know the possibility that somebody form my school or my family is ever going to find my blog is rather small, but if you are from school and have somehow managed to figure out that this is me, I would like to say at this point: I find it very cool that you're into blogs, too (otherwise you'd probably not be here, would you?)!
Thanks very much for reading about my struggles, I desperately hope that I have somehow managed to help you! All in all I think we should all be aware that there are millions of teens out there feeling the exact same things as we do, and try to stop worrying.
If you have any more tips for me on how to make me be a bit more... sociable, please, please leave a comment in the comment section!
See you soon!